On Insecurity: 21 Years

“We're going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.”
 ― Beth Moore

I am an insecure person.

Probably more insecure that I would like to admit. I always attempt to put on a face of being that strong, confident, self-aware, laughing person that everyone wants to be friends with. But, underneath that facade is a little boy who is terrified of life.

It's spring break. I'm in Ft. Smith, Arkansas. A town that is a strange combination of two worlds. It tries to be a city, but the down-home redneck charm that characterizes rural Arkansas has found a way to sneak into the hustle and bustle of the modern town. Late model Corvettes are parked directly next to pickup trucks so large that one can't help but wonder about compensation. I'm in Starbucks right now. I watch farmers swagger in and order with a drawl as thick as the coffee they're drinking. I see high-school girls in expensive designer clothes giggle and flirt with the barista. Ft. Smith is a place that reminds me of my heart. Underneath the somewhat unsuccessful attempt at portraying an trendy town, small country Arkansas still exists.

I turn 21 tomorrow. It's strange to think that I've been alive that long. I love my life. Yet, over the past couple days of break, my insecure heart has poked its way to the front of my mind. I fight with feelings of inadequacy.  I wonder if the people that I'm spending break with actually enjoy my company. I lay in bed at night and wrestle through questions and desires that surprise and frustrate me - almost to the point of tears. Even though I'm laying right next to another person, loneliness clutches and squeezes my soul. Twenty-one isn't very old. I have life to look forward to, but will these emotions ever go away?

I catch myself as I start talking to Jesus. I begin to be reminded of truth. I am loved. I am invited by friends. I am safe. And Jesus whispers to me "rest." I exhale and the anxiety I carry in my shoulders melts into my pillow. The loneliness that characterizes my fears fades and my spirit begins to be filled. Insecurity may be part of my 21 year old self, but I am learning that true rest - rest with Jesus - takes that insecurity and replaces it with joy.

Regardless of the pain and hurt. Regardless of what dreams I have to let go. Regardless of the people and circumstances around me. My goal for my 21st year is to continue the process of letting my life be characterized by joy.

Happy Birthday to my 21 year old self. Let's grow this year.
-Matthias