If you're happy and you know it...

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.
-James Oppenheim

Living with toddlers can be an experience. For example, Heather and Pavel have a strangely interesting toilet in their bathroom. Besides the typical bathroom toilet, each of the two little toddlers have their own personal, brightly colored, plastic toilet. One of these personal, brightly colored toilets contains a technological device that is sure to benefit the entire world. You see, when any form of liquid touches two little sensors at the bottom of the bowl it begins to sing.

Yes. The toilet sings.

And, it's not very good at it. The toilet blasts out, at the top of its tiny little lungs, "If You're Happy and You Know It". It sounds like one of those ancient cell phone ring tones, but worse. To make matters worse, the toilet won't shut up until the sensors decide that everything has evaporated. I honestly think the toilet-makers had severe childhood trauma and therefore decided to get revenge on the world by making a singing toilet. They conveniently made sure that the battery was impossible to get to.

Several days ago it was my turn to clean the bathroom. Part of this entails cleaning the little toilets. I gingerly picked them up and quickly dropped them in the bathtub. I grabbed the bleach and proceeded to pour a little bit in each toilet. "IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS!" I jumped and about peed my pants. I hurriedly cleaned the possessed toilet and tried to dry the little sensors off. Well, it turns out that the bleach damaged the sensors and no matter what the toilet would not stop singing! All day long we heard the toilet contently singing its heart out. Finally, around 7pm Pavel got fed up with it and took it outside. Sometime in the middle of the night the thing ran out of batteries, and by the next morning it was allowed in the bathroom again.

If you ever run into a singing toilet, think of us and pray.
-Matthias

PS. On a side note, the entire time Mom thought the toilet was singing "Oh, be careful little eyes what you see, oh be careful little eyes what you see, for the Father up above is looking down in love, oh be careful little eyes what you see." She eventually asked Heather where they got a toilet that sung Christian songs. That's when she found out that the toilet was actually an atheist.

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Invisible

The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.
-Unknown

Note: The names of the roads and towns in this post have been changed because the author forgot the real names and had to make up Romanian sounding names to take their places.

Two days ago my family and I were busily driving through the country of Romania. We were on our way home from the International Messengers annual staff conference that was held in Poland. This was our third and final day of driving and we were all excited to get back "home". Dad had decided that he wanted to take the back roads, so mom was busily looking at the map trying to navigate a way through the tiny villages and bumpy roads of Romania. Every once and awhile she would call out directions: "Turn right! No no! Right, Ron, Right!". Dad would already be taking a left, but would suddenly flip the car around and head towards the right, like he was planning to go that way the whole time. Us kids would just smile and wave at the stunned people staring at us from their horse carts. I'm sure every one of those people whipped out their cell phones the moment we were out of eyesight and spread rumors about the "evil American driver" terrorizing the community.

Slowly, we got into the swing of things, turning on random roads, clenching our jaws while we wondered if it was physically possible for our teeth to vibrate out of our mouths. About an hour into the drive we were approaching our next turn. Mom exclaimed "Ok, Ron. It says on the map to turn Right up here on E261. Look, there's the sign for it now!" We all braced ourselves and squeezed our eyes shut waiting for the hairpin turn.

Nothing happened.

We opened our eyes and realized that the car had come to a stop. Mom and Dad were in the front seat looking confused, the map spread out between them. I looked up, out of the moon roof and saw that there was a sign for Route E261 looming above the car. I looked out the window and saw corn fields in every direction. I cleaned my glasses and looked out again.

The road was invisible.

There was no Route E261, at least, none that we could see. The map said there was a road there, the sign told us that there was a road there, but there wasn't. Maybe it's because we are Americans.

Mom and Dad quickly recovered and Dad flipped the car around again. They had decided on a different route that avoided E261. Now we were all told to look for the town of "Şaptezeci". Soon we saw a little sign that said "Now entering Şaptezeci" We looked around. We all cleaned our glasses. The town was invisible. Just corn fields.

Eventually we got home and found out the reason why there are so many invisible roads and towns in Romania. You see, contractors will go to the government and say "We are going to build a road here, give us money" and the government will. The contractors will put up signs and tell the cartographers that there is a road there. Then, they pocket the rest of the money and never build the road. It happens all the time.

Next time you drive on a visible road think of us and pray.
-Matthias

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