The Fourth of July

Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all other days of the year put together. This proves, by the numbers left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
-Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

It has been exactly one year. One year ago on this day my family packed up our two vans with everything that we owned and drove to Colorado to begin our new lives as missionaries. Needless to say, we missed the fireworks. 

This year it is different. This year we are not missing the fireworks. This year we are going to wait until dark and then we will open up our computers and log onto a magical site called youtube. You see, some random people with nothing better to do with their lives actually recorded and then posted fireworks displays! Typically I would think that is utterly pathetic, but today it doesn't seem so worthless. 

We shall all gather around our computers, wait for a couple hours for a 6 minute video to load and then put on headphones. We will turn up the volume all the way because, hey, it's the Fourth of July!  We will all take turns holding the cell phone and attempt to hit the vibrate button at the exact right time to sync the booms with the shock waves. We'll bring in all the fans to reproduce the horrible effects of too-close fireworks on hairstyles. We'll say "oooooooh" and "ahhhhhhhh" at the exact right moments and stare up at the screen with an awestruck, dazed look on our faces. Maybe we'll collect a bit of drool on the edge of our mouths, we'll quickly glance around to make sure everyone is engrossed in the fireworks and then indiscreetly wipe it off before people notice. We have been collecting spiders in a jar for the past couple of weeks, and somewhere in the middle of the show we'll let them all out so they can climb up our pants and make us do silly dances while trying to keep our composure around our family. Ahhhh, the Fourth of July. 

I hope you all have a delightful day, if you happen to think of us sitting on the floor staring up at our computer screens while you watch fireworks tonight, maybe you could pray for us. 

-Matthias

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Shaky

I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
-Buzz Aldrin

You know, the metric system has definite advantages. I've been pondering this ever since I stepped on the scale. Let me tell you, your self confidence shoots WAY up when you discover that you've magically lost 110 pounds. It can make your day go better than any day you have ever experienced. This excess boost of confidence helps you get through jet lag and finally when your brain decides to function again you realize....kilograms. In all honesty though, 90 sounds so much better than 200 in any weight related conversation.

I have officially lost 30 pounds. Don't let this shock you or make you think "Matt is wasting away into nothing." I can assure you that I am not. I gained 30 pounds while I was in Montana and now they are gone! I can see my toes again!

This dramatic transformation has not come easily.

In addition to doing major portion control I have been...cardiosizing. It's a new word I have coined. "Cardio workout" seems too friendly in my opinion, "cardiosizing" effectively adds the negative connotation of the word "exercising" without totally freaking people out. Here are step by step instructions on how to do your own cardiosizing!

1) Spend 3-5 hours on youtube searching for the perfect cardio workout. Eat some ice cream if you get hungry.
2) Wait till night and then turn off all the lights so there is no possible way to make a fool of yourself even if window peepers run rampant in your community.
3) Sit on your bed and give yourself a long pep-talk about the benefits of cardiosize.
4) Stand up.
5) Turn on the perfect cardio workout video that you found in Step 1.
6) Follow the instructions. If there's an exercise that looks too hard, skip it.
7) Halfway through the program (about 5 minutes) your legs will collapse from under you. Lie on the floor panting.
8) Drag yourself up onto your bed using only your arms.
9) Lie on your bed panting for about a half hour.
10) Decide you need some water.
11) Attempt to get out of bed.
12) Realize that your legs still don't work.
13) Give up, lie back down on your bed, pant for about another half-hour and then slowly drift into a fitful sleep.

There you go! If you do this nightly you will loose 30 pounds in no time!

Good luck!
-Matthias

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Smoke Alarm

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
-Zach Braff

In Bircii there are no "community beautification projects", there are no convenient trash cans placed along high-traffic areas. There are no nice garbage men who come along with big trucks and dispose of waste. Therefore everywhere you look there is trash. This fact shocked me at first, but now after living here for three months I hardly notice. But, there is still one thing that I cannot quite get over. You see, in Bircii there are no burning ordinances.

None.

This poses an interesting scenario that has happened quite a few times recently. I affectionately call it the "choke and gag routine."

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Lovebirds

For Sale: Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
-Anonymous

Church here starts at 10am and goes till 12pm, it's all in a language that I don't understand and it involves a lot of standing up and sitting down at the oddest of moments. This can be very inconvenient for daydreamers like me. I will wake up from a thought (an English thought, mind you) and realize that everyone else is standing with their Bibles open. I immediately nudge my Bible off my knee and onto the floor. Then I proceed to reach down, grab the Bible, and stand up like nothing happened. Works every time.

Last Sunday I went to church like a good missionary kid. It was a nice sunny day, there was a soft subtle breeze that ruffled my hair as I walked down the road. The birds sang, the cows mooed, the evil geese hissed. All were happy. Well, almost all were happy.

The first thing I noticed when I walked into the sanctuary was that some nice person had opened one of the frosted windows and the back door. I was excited because finally there would be something else to look at other than the interior of the church. Not that the interior is bad, but God's creation is always so much better. As I was contemplating the joys of open windows I happened to look up. I was greeted by a most peculiar sight. There were two birds, a romantic couple I believe, who were flying around at a frantic pace. They were trapped. I felt sorry for them, but there was nothing that I could do. The ceilings in the church are very high so there was no way that I could help the little birdies out. The Romanians just acted like everything was normal and that having birds attend their meetings was an everyday occurrence. The church service started and for the first half hour I contentedly watched the lovebirds fly around.

That's when things got bad.

Plop! A slimy white spot appeared on the pastor's sport coat. The pastor glanced over at his arm, saw what happened and surprisingly didn't miss a beat! I tried to suppress my laughter, but I wasn't too successful. I ended up sounding like a snorting pig, but thankfully I had a handkerchief hidden in the pocket of my coat specifically meant for those kinds of moments. I "blew my nose" and then returned my attention to the matter at hand. Dodging bird droppings. I wished that I would have had the foresight to bring an umbrella to church that fateful morning. You never know when umbrellas will come in handy.

Thankfully I was able to escape without soiling my clothing. The birds also escaped through the open window and everything became happy again. At least, until next week.

-Matthias

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If you're happy and you know it...

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.
-James Oppenheim

Living with toddlers can be an experience. For example, Heather and Pavel have a strangely interesting toilet in their bathroom. Besides the typical bathroom toilet, each of the two little toddlers have their own personal, brightly colored, plastic toilet. One of these personal, brightly colored toilets contains a technological device that is sure to benefit the entire world. You see, when any form of liquid touches two little sensors at the bottom of the bowl it begins to sing.

Yes. The toilet sings.

And, it's not very good at it. The toilet blasts out, at the top of its tiny little lungs, "If You're Happy and You Know It". It sounds like one of those ancient cell phone ring tones, but worse. To make matters worse, the toilet won't shut up until the sensors decide that everything has evaporated. I honestly think the toilet-makers had severe childhood trauma and therefore decided to get revenge on the world by making a singing toilet. They conveniently made sure that the battery was impossible to get to.

Several days ago it was my turn to clean the bathroom. Part of this entails cleaning the little toilets. I gingerly picked them up and quickly dropped them in the bathtub. I grabbed the bleach and proceeded to pour a little bit in each toilet. "IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, CLAP YOUR HANDS!" I jumped and about peed my pants. I hurriedly cleaned the possessed toilet and tried to dry the little sensors off. Well, it turns out that the bleach damaged the sensors and no matter what the toilet would not stop singing! All day long we heard the toilet contently singing its heart out. Finally, around 7pm Pavel got fed up with it and took it outside. Sometime in the middle of the night the thing ran out of batteries, and by the next morning it was allowed in the bathroom again.

If you ever run into a singing toilet, think of us and pray.
-Matthias

PS. On a side note, the entire time Mom thought the toilet was singing "Oh, be careful little eyes what you see, oh be careful little eyes what you see, for the Father up above is looking down in love, oh be careful little eyes what you see." She eventually asked Heather where they got a toilet that sung Christian songs. That's when she found out that the toilet was actually an atheist.

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Invisible

The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.
-Unknown

Note: The names of the roads and towns in this post have been changed because the author forgot the real names and had to make up Romanian sounding names to take their places.

Two days ago my family and I were busily driving through the country of Romania. We were on our way home from the International Messengers annual staff conference that was held in Poland. This was our third and final day of driving and we were all excited to get back "home". Dad had decided that he wanted to take the back roads, so mom was busily looking at the map trying to navigate a way through the tiny villages and bumpy roads of Romania. Every once and awhile she would call out directions: "Turn right! No no! Right, Ron, Right!". Dad would already be taking a left, but would suddenly flip the car around and head towards the right, like he was planning to go that way the whole time. Us kids would just smile and wave at the stunned people staring at us from their horse carts. I'm sure every one of those people whipped out their cell phones the moment we were out of eyesight and spread rumors about the "evil American driver" terrorizing the community.

Slowly, we got into the swing of things, turning on random roads, clenching our jaws while we wondered if it was physically possible for our teeth to vibrate out of our mouths. About an hour into the drive we were approaching our next turn. Mom exclaimed "Ok, Ron. It says on the map to turn Right up here on E261. Look, there's the sign for it now!" We all braced ourselves and squeezed our eyes shut waiting for the hairpin turn.

Nothing happened.

We opened our eyes and realized that the car had come to a stop. Mom and Dad were in the front seat looking confused, the map spread out between them. I looked up, out of the moon roof and saw that there was a sign for Route E261 looming above the car. I looked out the window and saw corn fields in every direction. I cleaned my glasses and looked out again.

The road was invisible.

There was no Route E261, at least, none that we could see. The map said there was a road there, the sign told us that there was a road there, but there wasn't. Maybe it's because we are Americans.

Mom and Dad quickly recovered and Dad flipped the car around again. They had decided on a different route that avoided E261. Now we were all told to look for the town of "Şaptezeci". Soon we saw a little sign that said "Now entering Şaptezeci" We looked around. We all cleaned our glasses. The town was invisible. Just corn fields.

Eventually we got home and found out the reason why there are so many invisible roads and towns in Romania. You see, contractors will go to the government and say "We are going to build a road here, give us money" and the government will. The contractors will put up signs and tell the cartographers that there is a road there. Then, they pocket the rest of the money and never build the road. It happens all the time.

Next time you drive on a visible road think of us and pray.
-Matthias

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Crunchy

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.
-Daniel J. Boorstin

I wish I could afford one.


A few days ago I wanted an orange. Now, you must understand that this is really a very fun thing to want in Romania. Seeming how we are only a few hours drive from the fruit orchards of Greece we get delicious fruit here. It is also neat because the EU has banned all forms of genetic engineering and therefore the fruit is way better. I was thinking about all these wonderful facts and savoring the idea of biting into a delicious Grecian orange as I prodded down the hall into the pantry. I carefully picked out the biggest most orangeish orange that I could find in the basket. I brought it into the kitchen and my excitement grew as I peeled it. The juicy fruits on the interior of the orange shimmered slightly as I separated them and picked out the perfect slice to devour. Slowly, I brought the morsel up to my mouth, my taste buds watering. I popped it into my mouth and started to chew.

It was crunchy.

Did you know that they still made oranges with seeds? I certainly didn't. I mean, I should have realized that they were still in existence, but for human consumption? Maybe my American ideals are showing though.

Apples are also different here too. Several days ago I wanted an apple. I prodded down the hall thinking about how an apple would be so much better than an orange because I wouldn't have to fish out stubborn seeds. I picked out the first apple I saw and brought it into the kitchen. Now, you have to realize that they don't use any form of pesticides or "beautification" procedures on fruit. In fact, every piece looks like it could have been picked off the tree just yesterday. As I cut the apple I pondered these facts. I soon started to realize the full implication that these facts implied.

Almost half the apple was uneatable and wormy.

We had bought it from the store! That's something you don't see every day in the States. The apple was also quite mushy because they don't make crunchy apples here.

Oh well.

Next time you eat a seedless orange or a crunchy apple think of me and pray.
-Matthias

PS. The toilet paper has changed. It is now lemon-lime.

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Peaches

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
-George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

Good principle, I haven't followed it, but good nonetheless.


On Wednesday of this past week I arrived by aeroplane in Romania. After a long drive I finally reached my destination, a tiny village where you see little old men driving ox-carts while talking on cell phones. What a paradox. When I got to the house that I would live in I politely shared greetings and then rushed off to the restroom, well washroom as they are called here. As I was doing my business (here is where you should stop thinking) a whiff of a strange scent touched my nose. I sniffed, trying to figure out what it was. I had no idea. Soon, I reached down for the toilet paper.

Now, toilet paper has always fascinated me, and the toilet paper in Romania is certainly the most fascinating that I have ever seen. You see, it was pink and orange and had little butterflies fluttering all over it. As I proceeded to examine the design I brought the paper up to eye-level. The strange smell intensified! My superior reasoning led me to believe that the toilet paper was the cause of the fragrance, but I didn't know for sure.

I don't know if it is just me, but the thought of smelling toilet paper is a little bit disgusting. Sitting there on the toilet I had to make a decision. Do I satisfy my curiosity by sniffing toilet paper, or do I just use it and get out? My curiosity got the better of me and indeed I shoved the toilet paper up to my nose and sniffed.

The toilet paper smelled like peaches.

People who designed bathrooms to be private places were certainly good thinkers. I am eternally thankful to them as I must of looked quite foolish, sniffing my peach scented toilet paper. But seriously, what is the point of putting fragrance in toilet paper? Especially food scents! That is just wrong.

Next time you use toilet paper think of me with my peach paper and pray.
-Matthias

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British Detecting...

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-Arthur C. Clarke

I'm sure that quote has a deeper meaning, but at face value I must say I disagree.


I am officially a detective. I have even solved my first case. Let me expound. A minor mystery occurred this evening and it is my fault. When I changed the format of this blog I decided to allow anonymous comment posting. Well, this evening I recieved a comment on the previous post that read something like this:

Anonymous said...

It sounds like the nourishing food is plentiful at the Peterson home. Love all the detail in your writing, I think you should come to my class and share your talents.

To tell the truth, when I first read this I was too busy wallowing in my pride to care who it was from. Then my naturally suspicious nature got the better of me. How in tarnation was I to visit the classroom of a person who goes by the name of "Anonymous"? I promptly wrote a reply to the effect of this:

Matt Roberts said...

Well thank you, although I'm not exactly sure who you are, so it would be quite impossible to visit your class.

Feeling quite clever, I proceeded on to check my e-mail. Then a thought hit me. Did that anonymous person mention the name Peterson? I quickly went back to check, and sure enough, Anonymous did mention the name Peterson.

Then, a strange thing occurred. I suddenly found myself thinking in a British accent. I suddenly started to use my brain to deduct.

I became a detective.

I deducted two things. One, this anonymous person must know my aunt and uncle. Two, this person has a class. The only person who fit this brilliant and very narrow deduction was my dear cousin, Lisa.

See, British television is good for something.

May you never stumble across a mystery you can't solve.
-Matthias

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The life of a live-in designer...

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. -John Benfield

Very true.


I am living the life of a live-in designer and I must say that it is marvelous. You see, I am currently residing at my Aunt's house designing a book on her recent trip to Kenya. I am very much enjoying it.

That is not boring.

Do you want a sneak peak? Here is the cover...



Let me describe my day to you.

This morning I awoke at a time that I will not mention. I won't mention this time because of two reasons: (1) I will receive hate mail, possibly even death threats, and (2) My parents might read this and tell me to get up earlier. (Yes, they are not here with me [!] )

I took a very relaxing shower and then slowly meandered downstairs. I prepared a small but nourishing breakfast and then sat in the breakfast nook and enjoyed a beautiful view of the mighty Mississippi River. (My aunt and uncle live in a large Victorian era house built by a wealthy river boat captain. It sits upon a lofty hill, right above the river.)

After my delicious (and nourishing) breakfast, I powered up my laptop in the exact right spot to receive the full effect of the warm sunbeams shining through the windows. Feeling invigorated by my nourishing breakfast I decided to tackle a few lessons in my English. After I got several A's my aunt arrived home from her workout. We had a nice chat about the benefits of the gym and then my aunt wandered off to take a shower.

When my aunt arrived back at the sun-splashed breakfast room we began to work on the book. After several stressful brainstorming sessions we finally decided that it was time for a nourishing lunch. The breakfast nook had transformed into the lunch nook and we took our time eating while looking out the windows at the snow covered gardens.

In the afternoon we worked quite dedicatedly on the book while eating delicious and nourishing snacks. When we weren't working dedicatedly on the book we were exploring our tastes in music and having doctrinal discussions.

Soon it was time to eat again. My aunt prepared a very nourishing supper and then rushed out the door to make it to her Bible study on time. My uncle and I went into the sitting room and sat on the overstuffed leather couches. We ate our supper while watching the old British adaptions of Sherlock Holmes. Then I worked on writing an essay about my life. After I got finished with the 5,840th day of my life I returned to the sitting room to watch an episode of "Pushing Daisies." Then my uncle decided that it was time to watch a British adaptation of one of Agatha Christie's "Hercules Poirot" mysteries. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Now, I am sitting in the evening nook watching the lights of a small town on the other side of the river reflect off the surface of the water. Soon I shall retire to my chambers, fall into the king sized bed, drift off to sleep, and possibly dream about lions eating me.

Oh, the life of a missionary.
-Matthias

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