The Fourth of July

Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all other days of the year put together. This proves, by the numbers left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
-Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

It has been exactly one year. One year ago on this day my family packed up our two vans with everything that we owned and drove to Colorado to begin our new lives as missionaries. Needless to say, we missed the fireworks. 

This year it is different. This year we are not missing the fireworks. This year we are going to wait until dark and then we will open up our computers and log onto a magical site called youtube. You see, some random people with nothing better to do with their lives actually recorded and then posted fireworks displays! Typically I would think that is utterly pathetic, but today it doesn't seem so worthless. 

We shall all gather around our computers, wait for a couple hours for a 6 minute video to load and then put on headphones. We will turn up the volume all the way because, hey, it's the Fourth of July!  We will all take turns holding the cell phone and attempt to hit the vibrate button at the exact right time to sync the booms with the shock waves. We'll bring in all the fans to reproduce the horrible effects of too-close fireworks on hairstyles. We'll say "oooooooh" and "ahhhhhhhh" at the exact right moments and stare up at the screen with an awestruck, dazed look on our faces. Maybe we'll collect a bit of drool on the edge of our mouths, we'll quickly glance around to make sure everyone is engrossed in the fireworks and then indiscreetly wipe it off before people notice. We have been collecting spiders in a jar for the past couple of weeks, and somewhere in the middle of the show we'll let them all out so they can climb up our pants and make us do silly dances while trying to keep our composure around our family. Ahhhh, the Fourth of July. 

I hope you all have a delightful day, if you happen to think of us sitting on the floor staring up at our computer screens while you watch fireworks tonight, maybe you could pray for us. 

-Matthias

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Shaky

I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
-Buzz Aldrin

You know, the metric system has definite advantages. I've been pondering this ever since I stepped on the scale. Let me tell you, your self confidence shoots WAY up when you discover that you've magically lost 110 pounds. It can make your day go better than any day you have ever experienced. This excess boost of confidence helps you get through jet lag and finally when your brain decides to function again you realize....kilograms. In all honesty though, 90 sounds so much better than 200 in any weight related conversation.

I have officially lost 30 pounds. Don't let this shock you or make you think "Matt is wasting away into nothing." I can assure you that I am not. I gained 30 pounds while I was in Montana and now they are gone! I can see my toes again!

This dramatic transformation has not come easily.

In addition to doing major portion control I have been...cardiosizing. It's a new word I have coined. "Cardio workout" seems too friendly in my opinion, "cardiosizing" effectively adds the negative connotation of the word "exercising" without totally freaking people out. Here are step by step instructions on how to do your own cardiosizing!

1) Spend 3-5 hours on youtube searching for the perfect cardio workout. Eat some ice cream if you get hungry.
2) Wait till night and then turn off all the lights so there is no possible way to make a fool of yourself even if window peepers run rampant in your community.
3) Sit on your bed and give yourself a long pep-talk about the benefits of cardiosize.
4) Stand up.
5) Turn on the perfect cardio workout video that you found in Step 1.
6) Follow the instructions. If there's an exercise that looks too hard, skip it.
7) Halfway through the program (about 5 minutes) your legs will collapse from under you. Lie on the floor panting.
8) Drag yourself up onto your bed using only your arms.
9) Lie on your bed panting for about a half hour.
10) Decide you need some water.
11) Attempt to get out of bed.
12) Realize that your legs still don't work.
13) Give up, lie back down on your bed, pant for about another half-hour and then slowly drift into a fitful sleep.

There you go! If you do this nightly you will loose 30 pounds in no time!

Good luck!
-Matthias

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Smoke Alarm

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
-Zach Braff

In Bircii there are no "community beautification projects", there are no convenient trash cans placed along high-traffic areas. There are no nice garbage men who come along with big trucks and dispose of waste. Therefore everywhere you look there is trash. This fact shocked me at first, but now after living here for three months I hardly notice. But, there is still one thing that I cannot quite get over. You see, in Bircii there are no burning ordinances.

None.

This poses an interesting scenario that has happened quite a few times recently. I affectionately call it the "choke and gag routine."

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